I can easily write about past events or lessons I’ve already had to learn, but to write about where I’m at right now, what I’m learning, and the areas I’m struggling in is humbling and hard.
Everything you’re going through seems so much deeper when you’re writing about it, and then the thought of people knowing what season of life you’re in is incredibly vulnerable and intimidating, but God’s been burdening my heart about sharing “my now.”
A big percentage of my readers are near my age and going through the same season of life as me, and I recently thought to myself, “It’s so selfish of me to not share what God’s been burdening my heart about when it could be a blessing or encouragement to someone else.”
I’ve been reading my Bible a lot lately, and that’s not something I say to boast about. I say that because I’m in a difficult season of life and I don’t really know what else to do, so I’m clinging ever so tightly to God and His Word to guide me through it.
Sometimes I shy away from talking about reading my Bible or praying because of fear of what people will think, but in reality it’s so humbling. It’s like saying, “I can’t do this on my own.” and recognizing how much you desperately need God.
I registered for college a week ago, and it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I was so, so afraid. It was my second semester and I shouldn’t have had anything to fear, but for some reason I allowed the enemy to use anxiety to almost take me away from the very place God wanted me.
I remember hearing someone say, “The only person that can get you out of the will of God is you.” In the end the decision is yours- it’s not your parents, friends, or even your fear.
I was close to packing my bags and heading back home that day; that’s what I wanted or really, what my anxiety wanted. God is so gracious though.
I’ve been waking up early and I’ve been praying for peace, because some days it’s been really hard to find it in the midst of all my anxious thoughts. There’s always been something about the stillness of when the sun is rising, and light is pouring through the morning sky that has offered a quiet kind of peace, as if God was saying, “You don’t have to do today on your own.”
I asked God where He wants me to be. I thought college didn’t really seem worthwhile and my anxious thoughts interrupted any kind of peace I could have had about it, but God’s been teaching me a lot over the past week alone.
I’m learning that it’s not bad to question God if you’re genuinely searching for an answer.
I’ve been wanting peace of mind. I didn’t want to have to fight the thought of staying or leaving anymore; I was tired of doing that.
Honestly, not much of anything was making sense. I didn’t really understand why God had me in college and I still don’t really know what He is doing, but for some reason I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning that when things don’t make sense, He still does. That when I don’t understand, He does. That when I’m afraid, He is near. And that resting in His presence is the only thing that will get me through those things that I don’t really always understand, because I know that His ways are higher than my own. Isaiah 55:8-9.
I’m learning that sometimes it’s not meant for me to know everything, but simply to be still and know that HE is God. Psalms 46:10.
I don’t understand, but I don’t have too, either.
I’m learning to trust in the face of the unknown.
I’m learning to have faith in the midst of my fears.
and mostly, I’m learning things that I wouldn’t ever be learning if God had never placed me in a position of needing to be dependent upon Him.
I get so caught up in doing my own thing and making my own decisions that sometimes God has to place me in a position of depending on Him rather than myself.
My heart for writing all of this is for the one’s out there who may be in a season of doubt, confusion, or fear of the unknowns they may be facing. My heart is that you would feel a little less alone in your struggles, that you would learn to grow in these seasons of life, and that prayer would be your life-line for peace in the midst of your doubts.
This season hasn’t been everything I thought it would be, but nonetheless I’m so thankful for it and for the growth that it has already offered.
I’m thankful that God is good, faithful, and so kind when I’m most undeserving.
For the one’s in a similar season as my own- keep being faithful and you’ll see God is faithful.
Love and Blessings,